Just Another Reason
by Gaelcelt
Summary: Steve/Bucky slash. Songfiction. Post-Winter Soldier. Bucky is reeling as he recovers his memory. Nothing makes sense now. And he still can't bear the thought that he could have jeopardized his bond with Steve after that last fight on the carrier.


These characters are not mine.

Steve/Bucky slash. Songfiction. Post-Winter Soldier. Bucky is reeling as he recovers his memory. Nothing makes sense now. And he still can't bear the thought that he could have jeopardized his bond with Steve after that last fight on the carrier. Patrick Fiori's "Juste une Raison Encore" is the perfect song for angst.

Just Another Reason

Bucky clenched his teeth as he tried to sleep. The spell cast over him by HYDRA had been broken by none other than Steve, the only other person in the world who could perhaps understand what he had endured… but the memories of how his feelings for Steve could never be reconciled with Steve's seeming crush on Peggy, among other women.  
>Bucky had not been immune to creating façades. He had done it plenty with the steady string of dames that he'd whirled onto the dance floor; if any of them suspected how hollow that his enthusiasm was, they'd held their tongues. Now SHIELD had proven to be just another disguise for HYDRA… even Steve, who he knew he could trust, Bucky feared now that he had destroyed their bond after the carriers had crashed into the Potomac.<br>But Steve was as alive as he was. Bucky could still hear _"I'm with you til the end of the line"_ echo in his ears. He had to face him, somehow…!

HYDRA still clung to his membranes as he imagined the meeting that he would have with Steve, everything disjointed from decades of memory wipes, torture, and exploitation of his vulnerable state. Everything was so confusing now that he could remember clearly. After nearly battering Steve to death, Bucky's memories of yearning for his best friend had been revived in one instant before Steve fell from him to the river below. He'd shivered like he'd awoken to the cold early hours of Siberia, old emotions bubbling to the surface, freed after so long…

Steve might have appeared to like girls, but there was always his awkwardness around them… Bucky tried not to raise his hopes too much by reading too much into such circumstantial evidence; he knew what it meant to love other men in a society that denied that such men existed. But he couldn't ignore it… Steve's beautiful face was burned into his mind, and especially on difficult nights.

Bucky might have felt hollow, but Steve… he hoped that Steve was still there for him like he'd promised before he fell from the carrier. He had to have a reason to continue in this world…!

The exhibit at the Smithsonian museum, the flood of memories that rushed back to him now from beyond the reach of the memory wipes, all of it consumed Bucky. Almost none of the friends that he and Steve had in and before World War II remained alive to comfort him in this bizarre labarynth… and what if Steve had found a girlfriend? Moved past his shyness and found it easier to court women? Bucky tried not to think of that… he remembered just how cruelly aroused that he was just from holding Steve around the shoulders, touching the man that he could never have… and especially since he was no longer this asthmatic little invalid. Despite the charm that once dripped from him that attracted women like flies to honey, Bucky could no longer bring himself to turn on that tap.

Glancing at the window that he knew was Steve's, Bucky was desperate to find some semblance of what they had before, to rejoin Steve somehow as they lived their lives in this new century seven decades out of their time.  
>He shivered. He felt so cold, the sun was several hours from rising, feeling the remnants of HYDRA trying to pull him back and remake him into the Winter Soldier, and the old understanding that Steve would never feel the same way as Bucky felt for him… was he all alone now…?<p>

Steve would never return his passion, but would he remain his friend…?  
>Bucky's anguished cries pierced the night air. No words could come to his lips to reflect what he felt, nothing articulate, just the weight of decades that had crushed him.<p>

He felt somebody shaking him gently, a hushed voice gently urged him, _"Bucky, wake up, Soldier…! You're safe…!"_ he recognized that voice.  
>"Shhh, it's all right, sweetheart," Steve crooned as he pressed Bucky's wet face to his chest, wrapping him into a protective embrace.<br>_"It was just another of these damned nightmares-!"_ Bucky realized in relief, trembling like nobody could tremble as he clung to Steve desperately.  
>"God, you're shivering-!" Steve pulled the blankets up as he stroked Bucky's tousled sorrel locks, "It's all right, sweetheart, I'm here…!"<br>"It was after the carriers crashed…! I started remembering everything that HYDRA tried to erase…" Bucky squeaked, "I remembered how afraid I was that I'd lost you…that you would never feel about me how I feel about you…! I was so lost, it was so cold, I…!"  
>"Shhh… it's all right, Soldier. I'm here. I'll never let anybody hurt you again…!" Steve kissed his crying lover's hair, "You could never lose me, Bucky… I love you more than you'll ever know…!"<br>"That's all I need to know…! Just hold me, Babe…!" Bucky gasped wearily.

_Fin_


End file.
